Co-parenting, sometimes called joint parenting or shared parenting, is the experience of raising children as a single parent when separation or divorce occurs. Often a difficult process, co-parenting is greatly influenced by the reciprocal interactions of each parent. So, if you’re parenting in a healthy way but your Ex isn’t, your children will be at risk for developmental problems. Same goes if you’re being too permissive and your Ex is too stern.
Co-parenting requires empathy, patience and open communication for success. Not an easy thing to achieve for couples who’ve encountered marital issues. However, placing the sole focus on your children can be a great way of helping to make co-parenting a positive experience. Here are some tips.
1. Commit to making co-parenting an open dialogue with your Ex. Arrange to do this through email, texting, voicemail, letters or face to face conversation. There are even websites where you can upload schedules, share information and communicate so you and your Ex don’t have to directly touch base.
Rules should be consistent and agreed upon at both households. As much as they fight it, children need routine and structure. Issues like meal time, bed time, and completing chores need to consistent. The same goes for school work and projects. Running a tight ship creates a sense of security and predictability for children. So no matter where your child is, he or she knows that certain rules will be enforced. “You know the deal, before we can go to the movies, you gotta get that bed made.”
2. Commit to positive talk around the house. Make it a rule to frown upon your children talking disrespectfully about your Ex even though it may be music to your ears.
3. Agree on boundaries and behavioral guidelines for raising your children so that there’s consistency in their lives, regardless of which parent they’re with at any given time. Research shows that children in homes with a unified parenting approach have greater well-being.
4. Create an Extended Family Plan. Negotiate and agree on the role extended family members will play and the access they’ll be granted while your child is in each other’s charge.
5. Recognize that co-parenting will challenge you – and the reason for making accommodations in your parenting style is NOT BECAUSE YOUR EX WANTS THIS OR THAT, but for the needs of your children.
6. Be Aware of Slippery Slopes. Be aware that children will frequently test boundaries and rules, especially if there’s a chance to get something they may not ordinarily be able to obtain. This is why a united front in co-parenting is recommended.
7.Be boring. Research shows that children need time to do ordinary things with their less-seen parent, not just fun things.
8.Update often. Although it may be emotionally painful, make sure that you and your Ex keep each other informed about all changes in your life, or circumstances that are challenging or difficult. It is important that your child is never, ever, ever the primary source of information.
9. Go for the high notes. Each of you has valuable strengths as a parent. Remember to recognize the different traits you and your Ex have – and reinforce this awareness with your children. Speaking positively about your Ex teaches children that despite your differences, you can still appreciate positive things about your Ex. “Mommy’s really good at making you feel better when you’re sick. I know, I’m not as good as she is.” It also directs children to see the positive qualities in his or her parent too. “Daddy’s much better at organizing things than I am.”
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